caged in

Caged in, trapped I can’t breathe. What is happening to me?  My world has turned cold, no  air, no warmth, the views of the horizons barred, blocked out by bars. All I have left is the remnants of the past, ghosts swirling, twirling, gliding round the room. They move like dancers, suspended in flight, revenge upon their lips.. . at least that’s what it seems to me. Maybe I’m just cynical, perhaps they are here to comfort me, remind me of the good times, they are after all just distant memories. But then they turn malicious, their eyes glow red, fast motion, they turn on me – I can’t escape I choke on their malice; it engulfs me like the shadows of death inevitable. Time goes slowly here, no tick tock to signal the end, only the endless stretch of time. The rats scuttle, their claws scraping the ground beneath me. I lay restless, the rough wood against my cheek, my hair lank, greasy, matted with filth. I sigh, if only, if only. But I have to endure it, survive the ordeals, before my chance comes. Don’t worry I will escape. It’s just a matter of when.

 

Chapter one

They rush round the ward, blue and white they mix together, muffled chatter buzzes round my ears. I hear my name, a snippet of a conversation, they laugh- it’s unnatural. Panic mode sets in, the alarm bells ring, my hands clutch together, rocking side to side, 1.2.3. Over and over. They come towards me , the colours merge, my vision a blur. The screams begin. They come faster now, the dreaded weapon is near.  They smile reassuringly ‘don’t worry’ they murmur soothingly, as though they were taming a wild horse. I want to cry the tears like rivers , salty sweet, pure release. Yet I cannot do so. I have to play dumb, a mute, succumbed to  their needs, their wants ,desires . So I lay still, silent. One nurse steps forward, jangles keys, gleaming gold, glistening in the light- they catch my eye . They turn the key, the lock clicks- the sound of judgement . I await my fate , it comes closer . I plunge into darkness lose all sense of smell, touch, sound, all the senses stripped from me. They joke now, mock me torment me, their smiling faces twisted, they feed upon my pain. Like vampires they suck the life out of me, the syringe moving deeper and deeper until….

‘Mummy mummy’ I run, my chubby little legs trailing behind me. She thrusts me into her arms, plants a perfumed, lipsticked kiss upon my cheek – a tattooed declaration of love. I hug her tightly and she holds me, as though she doesn’t want to let go. I didn’t understand then, the events that would follow that moment and change my life forever. That was the last time I saw my mum, she left me , abandoned me to the fate of wolves , hungry for my inheritance. I was rich but what does a little girl know of wealth? Nothing , but to naively trust each individual you encounter, to trust their sweet lies over bitter truths. I’m sorry you must forgive me, for this story has no end nor beginning, no chronological sequence of events , only a selection of memories that you must piece together to form a narrative.

It began when I was born ...